I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
