I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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