totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
