woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
