I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
