What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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