Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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