Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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