Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
