Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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