A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
