Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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