I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
