apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
