He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize