So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
