I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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