mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half