I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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