if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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