You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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