Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I need water and some morals
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
