I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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