Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
