Just fell off a train. Bad.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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