SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
