Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize