I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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