when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
