well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
