im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
