I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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