I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
