well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
