im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
