there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
