so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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