It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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