Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
