Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
