I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
