I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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