she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
