just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
