OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
