My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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