My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
