today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
