I'm pants shitting drunk right now
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
