You're completely useless in the revolution.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
