shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
