your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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