You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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