Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
