Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
